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Recognizing and Coping with a Narcissist

Published: October 2, 2012

Last Updated: September 8, 2025

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Recognizing and Coping with a Narcissist

When you find yourself talking to a Toronto divorce lawyer about what ended your marriage, what will you say? That your spouse was self-absorbed, vain and selfish? Many people would call that an accurate description of their exes—but when is it considered a real personality disorder, and when is it just a case of your ex being a rotten person?

Spotting a Narcissist

Narcissism is a personality disorder that affects a surprisingly large slice of the population (as many as one in 16 people is likely to experience actual narcissistic personality disorder, and many more have at least some narcissistic traits).

Good examples of people who are likely narcissistic are those on reality TV. Some of the personality traits a narcissist exhibits include:

  • Taking advantage of others to get ahead and having little empathy
  • Having an inflated sense of self-importance
  • Exaggerating achievements and talents
  • Needing constant admiration and attention
  • Reacting poorly to constructive criticism
  • Being intensely self-absorbed and pursuing selfish goals
  • Expecting to be treated more favorably than others in similar situations
  • Obsessing over success, beauty or power

No one can really pinpoint what causes narcissism, but researchers are actively studying how genetics and culture both play roles in its development.

Dealing with the Carnage a Narcissist Leaves Behind

Often, people who are married to narcissists end up in a Toronto divorce lawyer’s office discussing their options. If you’re one of them, you’re probably looking forward to moving on and starting your new life without all the drama—but if you have kids, you’ll need to learn how to cope with the fallout until your kids have reached the age of majority.

  • Reframe your requests. Since narcissists often lack empathy, telling your narcissistic ex what you feel, need or want probably won’t get you anywhere. Instead, you’ll need to learn to frame your requests in a way that outlines how giving you what you want will benefit him or her. Instead of saying, “The kids want you to pick them up from school instead of having them take the bus,” try “The kids want to show you off to their friends—could you pick them up from school?”
  • Lower your expectations. Understand that your ex doesn’t have the same range of emotions you do, and that his or her emotions are generally only affected when it comes to “Me, me, me.”
  • Stop trying to please your narcissistic ex. You hired a Toronto divorce lawyer so you don’t have to constantly work to please your ex—so don’t forget it! You no longer have to go out of your way to make sure you’re stroking his or her ego. You can hang up the phone or walk away without having to worry about the consequences.

Keeping Your Toronto Divorce Lawyer in the Loop

If your ex’s narcissism continues to cause you problems after you’ve separated, tell your Toronto divorce lawyer. Your lawyers who deal with narcissists may be able to help you explore legal options that will ensure you can move forward in your new life peacefully and without having to focus on your narcissistic ex.

Written by Lisa Gelman

Senior Lawyer

Senior Lawyer Lisa Gelman has over 25 years of family law experience and founded Gelman & Associates to provide strategic legal counsel in family law matters concerning divorce, parenting, separation, and more.

Frequently Asked Questions - divorce & separation

If you or your spouse are not in Canada, you can not get a divorce. However, you can end your marriage under the Civil Marriage Act. You can only end your marriage in Canada and not another country because your marriage is only valid in Canada.

Yes, you can date while separated in Canada. However, there is a legal implication to that. If the timing of your new relationship comes into question during your divorce, your relationship may be considered as an affair or adultery.

Yes. Our legal services are available in person, online, and over the phone. In addition, although our main office is located in Toronto, we have over 8 additional satellite offices located throughout central, southern, western, and eastern Ontario to serve family law clients across the province.

If you are litigating your matter, social media posts made by your spouse or partner may be relevant, especially if they contradict what your spouse is claiming in his or her pleadings.

For example, if a spouse is claiming financial hardship, a Facebook post that shows that spouse going on an expensive trip or posing with an expensive car can undermine such claim and potentially affect that party’s credibility in court if presented as evidence on a motion or at trial.

Further to photograph-based posts, statements that are made on social media by one party can be relevant if said posts (i) are related to the litigation, to issues of parenting and/or (b) contradict statements that were made by the party in his or her pleadings. For example, if a party is attempting to establish that he or she is an appropriate custodial parent, then recent social media posts about extensive partying and drug use made by that party may be relevant in court, as they may speak to that party’s fitness when it comes to appropriate supervision of a child in his or her care.

Yes, you can separate from your spouse. Separation does not have to lead to divorce. However, if you plan to remarry, you must file for divorce after one year of separation. Also, you may want to consider that if you just leave, your spouse may file for spousal support or child support.

It is advised however that before leaving, you try to have a separation agreement with your spouse.

Divorce can be a difficult decision to make, especially if you’re unsure if your partner will sign the petition. However, a divorce does not require your partner’s consent. Although it may be a long process if your partner doesn’t comply, they will not be able to stop you indefinitely.

The only ground for a divorce in Canada’s Divorce Act is marriage breakdown. This could include spousal infidelity, although infidelity alone could be difficult and emotionally taxing to prove in court.

You are not legally required to retain a lawyer to apply for divorce. However, a divorce application may involve important questions about parenting, support, property and procedural requirements. Independent legal advice can help you understand how a proposed agreement or court application may affect you.

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