Gelman & Associate's statement regarding COVID-19 - Read More

It doesn’t matter if you were the one who ended your marriage or not, it can be difficult when your ex finds someone new.  A new boyfriend or girlfriend in their life can bring up old feelings of resentment or jealousy that you might not have anticipated.  This is compounded even more if they are getting remarried.  So what’s the best way to deal with this emotional upheaval?

Remember Why It Didn’t Work:  It’s likely that the two of you had some good times together, but there was a reason that things didn’t work out.  Maybe he wasn’t good at communicating, or the two of you simply fought too much.  Right now, it’s a good time to concentrate on the lessons you learned from that relationship.

It’s Not a Competition:  Often, people feel that the first person to move on into a new relationship is the “winner.”  That this is the person who is obviously better able to adjust, superior at relationships, and more lovable, right?  Wrong.  Everyone finds new relationships in their own time, and finding someone new right away doesn’t mean that they are the right person.  Don’t let yourself get caught up in competing with your ex over who has a new or better companion.  Also, don’t compare yourself to the new partner.  It’s very tempting, but it’s not helpful.

Wish Him Well:  If your excuse for your jealousy is that you still care about your ex, then you should want him to be happy.  The problems that you had when you were together might be something he can work out with his new partner.  Maybe they have more in common and can get along better.  Let him have that with someone new and wish him the best.

Think About Your Kids:  If you have children with your ex, then dealing with the new boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse is that much more complicated.  Mining your kids for information on their mom’s new friend and talking trash in front of them is not okay.  It will get back to your ex, and you will end up looking like a heel.  If you’re curious about the new person in your children’s life, then take the time to get to know them.  You don’t have to sit down and have coffee together (although that’s not a bad idea if you are both willing) but be friendly and engaging when you meet.

It can be difficult to cope with the idea of your ex with someone other than you, but there was a reason that your relationship didn’t work.  Both you and your ex have the right to move on and to find something that will work.  Keep in mind that the new partner is not your replacement or your competition.  Even if you haven’t found someone yet, it doesn’t mean that you’re the loser.  Focus your energy on your own interests and pursue what makes you truly happy.

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