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The Psychology of Cheating

Published: January 15, 2014

Last Updated: September 8, 2025

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The Psychology of Cheating

Marriage is susceptible to all kinds of pressures; some internal and some external. Sometimes one partner goes outside the marriage to fulfill emotional or sexual needs—but what leads to cheating, and can it be prevented?

Psychologists are locked in a constant battle over what constitutes cheating and whether one spouse can stop the other from having an affair, while divorce lawyers deal with the fallout every day.

What Counts as Cheating?

If you asked ten people to define cheating, you’d probably get ten different answers. Some people consider a wandering eye the mark of a cheater, while others define it as strictly sexual conduct outside a marriage or committed relationship. Some people feel that online affairs are cheating, while others think that flirtation—even in person—is completely acceptable.

What Psychologists Say

Generally, the only consensus psychologists can reach is that the definition of cheating is in the eye of the beholder. One person might be fine with the exchange of a few steamy e-mails, while another would march straight to a divorce lawyer’s office over them.

It’s also tough to determine the reasons people cheat—they’re different in every relationship. If you’re dealing with a cheating spouse, your best bet is to come right out and ask. However, getting a straight answer from the guilty party isn’t always easy.

Why Cheaters Cheat

Psychologists suggest that people cheat for myriad reasons. Some include:

  • Poor self-control. A person who has difficulty controlling impulses might act without thinking. If the opportunity presents itself, a person with poor self-control might cheat.
  • Selfishness. Someone who puts his or her needs and wants before their partner’s may not care that there could be negative consequences for their actions.
  • A need for attention, whether physical or emotional. When a person doesn’t get the fulfillment they need within a relationship, they may go outside it to have their needs met.
  • Boredom. Some people are natural thrill-seekers, and they may thrive on the excitement an extramarital affair will provide.
  • Insecurity. People who are insecure might use an affair as a way of feeling more secure by thinking things like “I can get others to have feelings for me; that’s how good I am.”

After Cheating: Your Options

If your spouse cheats on you, you have two main options: stay or go. Staying means you’ll have to forgive your spouse and learn to let go of the hurt, anger and resentment they caused you. You can (and probably should) talk to a divorce lawyer about leaving the marriage if you don’t think you’ll be able to embrace forgiveness. Talking to a divorce lawyer doesn’t always end in divorce, but it will give you a clear picture of your options and what your life might be like without having to deal with a cheating spouse.

Written by Lisa Gelman

Senior Lawyer

Senior Lawyer Lisa Gelman has over 25 years of family law experience and founded Gelman & Associates to provide strategic legal counsel in family law matters concerning divorce, parenting, separation, and more.

Frequently Asked Questions - divorce & separation

If you or your spouse are not in Canada, you can not get a divorce. However, you can end your marriage under the Civil Marriage Act. You can only end your marriage in Canada and not another country because your marriage is only valid in Canada.

Yes, you can date while separated in Canada. However, there is a legal implication to that. If the timing of your new relationship comes into question during your divorce, your relationship may be considered as an affair or adultery.

Yes. Our legal services are available in person, online, and over the phone. In addition, although our main office is located in Toronto, we have over 8 additional satellite offices located throughout central, southern, western, and eastern Ontario to serve family law clients across the province.

If you are litigating your matter, social media posts made by your spouse or partner may be relevant, especially if they contradict what your spouse is claiming in his or her pleadings.

For example, if a spouse is claiming financial hardship, a Facebook post that shows that spouse going on an expensive trip or posing with an expensive car can undermine such claim and potentially affect that party’s credibility in court if presented as evidence on a motion or at trial.

Further to photograph-based posts, statements that are made on social media by one party can be relevant if said posts (i) are related to the litigation, to issues of parenting and/or (b) contradict statements that were made by the party in his or her pleadings. For example, if a party is attempting to establish that he or she is an appropriate custodial parent, then recent social media posts about extensive partying and drug use made by that party may be relevant in court, as they may speak to that party’s fitness when it comes to appropriate supervision of a child in his or her care.

Yes, you can separate from your spouse. Separation does not have to lead to divorce. However, if you plan to remarry, you must file for divorce after one year of separation. Also, you may want to consider that if you just leave, your spouse may file for spousal support or child support.

It is advised however that before leaving, you try to have a separation agreement with your spouse.

Divorce can be a difficult decision to make, especially if you’re unsure if your partner will sign the petition. However, a divorce does not require your partner’s consent. Although it may be a long process if your partner doesn’t comply, they will not be able to stop you indefinitely.

The only ground for a divorce in Canada’s Divorce Act is marriage breakdown. This could include spousal infidelity, although infidelity alone could be difficult and emotionally taxing to prove in court.

You are not legally required to retain a lawyer to apply for divorce. However, a divorce application may involve important questions about parenting, support, property and procedural requirements. Independent legal advice can help you understand how a proposed agreement or court application may affect you.

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